I have written to P, and I have told him that I will not email anymore or talk about our relationship in any future sessions. I did it because I was weary and because I know in my heart that he wants what is best for me, even if I do not always agree with his methods.
I have sifted through the muck and the mess, and I’ve seen that he is only making space for me and for himself, too. Our work has become quite futile, with the only energy coming from my seemingly requisite criticisms. I won’t even look him in the eyes or allow him close in that way we have often known that has nothing to do with touch and little to do with words.
I miss him.
I’d like to let go of my anger.
To this end, I’ve allowed the idea that things will change again. P could move away, or his health could decline and he could decide to leave private practice altogether. Teach me how to let go of you, I want to tell him.
Teach me to let go in this life.
I cannot keep clinging to illusory constants, or daydreaming about those sleepy days (which were actually really, really difficult in reality) when I spent three days a week in therapy and P held back time so that I might one day join the rest of the world here in the present. And no amount of manipulation will make him change his mind and see me more often.
So, yes, I’ve been angry and P has been the unfortunate, and largely unwilling, recipient. He had to take some measures to protect himself — he just had to.
To be fair, I can still write emails as often as I’d like, but he mostly won’t respond to them, and this decree about not speaking of our relationship is only for the time being (his words); I do not believe, I simply cannot imagine, that it will be sustainable in the long term.
I don’t know what is going to happen between us moving forward and that feels really frightening but also hopeful. I have learned that these kinds of changes usually illuminate some greater purpose.
In the meantime, I’m relying on mindfulness practices to take the edge off until I can talk with P again. Our regular session fell on New Years Day, and he had either given the time away since he wasn’t sure I’d be returning, or he took the day to simply rest. So we will have had a two-week break by the time it’s all over.
I’ve had a massage, and I have acupuncture scheduled for tomorrow, and I have plenty of good books and a lot of wonderful poetry to read. As soon as I’m finished here I’ll put on my boots and walk down out of our woods into the valley, past the little blue farmhouse and the horses grazing there to the lake where the water is running high, with my sweet daughter in tow chatting away about the fairies adults can’t see.