I’m a mother, trauma survivor, writer, and seeker grappling with what comes to the surface in therapy. ( I should say what I pull to the surface, carefully or haphazardly, and drop onto the shore.) I began my journey six years ago, and through this beautiful, awful, painstaking work, I’m slowly starting to understand where, why, and how I hurt; my current challenge is accepting that I often hurt myself.

So these are my thoughts about this work I’m doing. It will be messy, raw, and sometimes less than eloquent, but I’ll try my best to keep it real and honest. So, here are some facts:

I’m on my 3rd therapist, and the 3rd time is the charm. He’s really tall and zen (he meditates a lot, maybe daily) and his approach is all about acceptance. Accepting what comes up in our space and finding a way to use it, to harness it for good. We do a lot of somatic work, too, and I’ve learned that I can always find a place somewhere on my body that feels neutral, or good, even when I’m in unbearable pain. I’m also convinced that he was the one who finally taught me how to breathe.

I go to therapy 3 times a week.

Even if I wasn’t a trauma survivor, I would probably still go to therapy due to the unparalleled intellectual stimulation. Books and poetry come up a lot in my work, and that’s okay, because they once helped me survive the unthinkable.

This is where I am. This is where we’ll start.